This blog post was originally published on bysamchizanga.substack.com and was unintentionally part of My Great Cancellation
When I first set out to throw kumba* my goal was to lead a creative project that created financial opportunities for others who looked like me, doing the thing I loved most; shaking ass. I’m still in awe almost six months later - not because it was groundbreaking or revolutionary, but because we did just that.
It was a night of connecting, reconnecting, laughter, movement, and everything in between. Kumba came together because of the efforts and will of many people, besides myself. Ideation requires action to become a reality and despite having every opportunity and excuse to quit, I stayed the course. After years of undervaluing my headstrong, creative, and resilient nature – I started and finished a project.
Planning kumba was akin to getting a good night of sleep, pausing your alarm with a good 30 minute window, and then waking up 2 hours later.
I wasn’t prepared for an experience that exposed my relational insecurity or three months of reinforced “not-belonging”. I was not prepared to witness what happens to your spirit when you give up your self-agency in order to achieve a goal.
I grew up disjointed and displaced, moving from school to school, country to country. I never learned how to form whole friendships or exist within a community outside of my nuclear family. The impact of those elements of my upbringing really came to the forefront over the last five years. I have experienced what I’d consider an incredible amount of relational loss. People I’d known for a decade or more ghosted me. I’ve had my fair share of dismissive platonic relationships (one-sided), manipulative and dishonest people, and friendship group dynamic that was emotionally devastating to say the least. I have lost jobs, relationships, opportunities as a result of these relationships ending. Do not cry for me - there are stories about the kind of gal I am, earned and unearned.
As you might imagine these experiences were not great for my confidence - they taught me that in order to be emotionally safe I’d have to do less, accept less, eat more, give more. Reader, I was wrong (obviously). This was who I was entering kumba - a community oriented event.
Being self aware while trying to unlearn and relearn how to show up for yourself is nasty business. Ambitious Sam saw both: the Sam who gave away her agency pursuing belonging, and the Sam who knew she could stand on her own. Everything, everywhere all at once type shit.
The difference is that I saw it happening and how I played a part in it. I saw my learned behaviours (negative and positive) unfolding in front of me while simultaneously, years of therapy jumped to the front. On one end I saw myself fawning, forgiving thoughtlessness before it arrived, and inviting those who had shown me how they would reciprocate.
On the other end I was asserting boundaries and accepting that not being others’ priority didn’t diminish my worth to myself.
These realizations were only possible because I put myself out there. We learn the language and ideas, applying them is the work. I probably got it wrong this time around but I know in order to be impactful to others, I will need to try again and again.
Growth is not linear, they say.
Anyway.
In the following months I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting on the outcomes of the experience. It has been affirming to see where I am capable and where I need to improve. Here all the high-level woo lessons that came out in the wash:
Choose collaborators wisely, choose them for the ways in which they can empower you and embolden your work. Don’t expect flowers from those who do not understand the amount of work it takes to do any of the work you do.
Be open to feedback and seek it out, even if you do not receive it - become accustomed to valuing its presence. It’s an opportunity to see what others see, validate, confirm, or deny.
Your participation and contributions to a community are self-determined, not bound by arbitrary rules and expectations. Prioritize impact over performance.
Last year I read an article, “Are Community Event Leaders the New Influencers?” In Vogue Business. I know, but the sentiment and many of the reflections in the piece have stayed with me. The writer Amy Francombe explored the rise of community building in the U.S. We’re coming offline and looking for connections in any form - parties, trips, hell… we’re looking for someone to go to the grocery store* with. More than that we are returning to a world in which we acknowledge that we need others.
“We hear a lot about the loneliness epidemic, but what that really means is people are craving experiences and memories with others, as well as a deeper sense of connection to themselves. That’s why we’re seeing hosts and community builders step into the spotlight,” Douglas says.”
When kumba resurfaces (and it will soon) it’ll be thoughtfully built to solve a problem for people who look like me. We (and I do mean WE) need to figure out how to keep the dollar circulating in our spaces longer than it spends outside of it. Imagine? Seeing event organizing and community building as one of the ways we create a sustainable source of security for people like you and me.
As for me, I’ve shifted from asking “how do I make myself belong to a community?” to “what skills can I bring to any community I am part of?” Trust me, I’m working on it, i’ll never stop working on it - Mars in Taurus 11th House. I’m on to the next project because no one has ever been bigger that program.
Sam