WHEW.

Uranus, the planet of disruption, upheaval, and “be so for real” entered Taurus, the sign of stability, certainty, MONEY, and MARKETS in May 2018. This transit happened in my 11th house; the house of long term goals, aspirations, and community.

Chat, Uranus and Taurus are not gang.

June 2018: I was in the depths of the “Black girl, white manager on a promotion path” cycle. Didn’t know it at the time but I was an overworked, undervalued, scapegoat. By October 2018 a manager I had reported to for roughly 3 months put me on a P.I.P. If you’ve never heard of a P.I.P it’s corporate for “your ass is grass”. I had just shipped a supplementary project for the biggest company wide project, at the time. Thought I was heading for a promotion. Causation? Correlation? Who cares, I have not had my feet underneath me since then.

I was on the brink of literal physical collapse. At my unhealthiest weight I was over 350 lbs. I was unhappy. I was angry and mean because of it. The choices and decisions I made reflected this and over the years I became more socially inverted and insecure. I stopped aspiring and asking and made myself as small as I possibly could. This led to outcomes and consequences I didn’t want and on and on it went.

At my core I am the 2 year old version of me: ‘precocious’, curious, and funny*. Stubborn. Jovial. In 2018, I was none of those things. That is what grief costs you.

Grief compounds and when you don’t know what it is - it will wreck havoc on your sense of self and wellbeing. It’s a shroud, a fog. You get into situations you would have never been in, had you been sound of mind. 2018 - 2024 was a mess, don’t worry we’ll get there.

In early Feb 2025 I received this email that was for all intents and purposes: a cold bucket of water, full of ice cubes, and razors. With each read l realized I had been allowing life to happen to me rather than participating in it. Making illogical decisions, martyring myself. More than that, the dreams I had to build creative and interesting things became distant memories.

In my grief I had unconsciously agreed to be a recipient of the least that could be afforded to me. I have spent the last year trying to get back to the person who knows where she wants to go, who knows where love grows.

“If you want to be somebody, if you want to go somewhere? You better wake up and pay attention.”

Deloris Wilson-Van Cartier bka Sister Mary Clarence Sister Act 2

A few months ago I got a reading from an Australian astrologer (I didn’t realize she specialized in past life) that was absolutely insane. Anyway, she told me that in a past lifetime that whoever had this soul really bungled it in their timeline (thanks a lot). Her advice - “understand your chart using 4 different asteroids.” The first asteroid on the list was Asteroid #4950. I dare you to look it up. A few weeks ago I had another reading with an INCREDIBLE medium and guess which clarity card she pulled for me? YOU’LL NEVER GUESS.

Home.

That word has been chasing me, dude.

Seriously.

That is what I want to build, instead I have been spiralling and doubting every move I make. Something sustainable and useful and honest and caring and beautiful and creative and indulgent and gay. Something bigger than me, for people like me.

Uranus has now entered Gemini in my house of introspection and even in this small window - the process has been illuminating. I have spent a majority of the last 3 years alone. Sometimes self-imposed, sometimes not. The more time I’ve spent alone, the clearer my self-concept has become. In that same isolation convincing myself that I don’t deserve to belong anywhere has become easier. Which means I am underresourced in a way that is important to me and I need to get back to that way.

For me it’s always that deep. What can I say? I am a Cancer rising after all. Instead of spiralling I am choosing to take care of myself, to make friends, find, write, plan, and return to joy, instead of whatever the hell I’ve been doing - because the 2 year old version is out there somewhere and she is gonna be pissed if I don’t figure it out.

Sam