This post was originally published to bysamchizanga.substack.com but Anil Dash said Substack is wack, so here I am.

“No, Virago.”
“Why would anyone tattoo something like that on their body?!”

1. It’s hot.

2. It’s true.

3. It’s a reminder.

4. It’s also a party trick (an anagram).

virago | vəˈräɡō, vəˈrāɡō |

noun (plural viragos or viragoes)

1. A loud, obnoxious woman.

2. A woman of great stature, strength, and courage.

Everybody look left. Everybody look right

What do you see?

I see the yappers offline and online, doing what they know best. I’m not the first to say this and I won’t be the last. It’s no coinky-dink that text-based social media has seen a re-emergence in the last few years.

If you’re like me, somewhere deep inside you the light bulb has gone off, and the need to express yourself is pressing on you.

From the archivists, novelists, critics [complimentary], thought leaders, crafters, builders, gardeners and on and on there’s a need to be seen, heard, and validated. That opportunity meets the those who want to yap back, building communities rooted in mutual care and interest. It’s so fucking beautiful I’m actually YELLING.

Here we are; choosing to be a part of that story. Not us socializing? It’s a privilege it is to bear witness to the collective reclamation of individual voices; especially at a time when the goal is to silence them.

And I want in.

I discover myself when I fall short.

— Kendrick Lamar¹

There is a common sentiment I hear about myself that I have it figured it out but truthfully I’m often a dysregulated, disjointed, walking bag of nerves. Always uncertain if I’m speaking too loudly, or out of turn.

If I had it figured out, if I believed that the tiny voice inside my head had value the things I needed to do, would’ve been done. The truth is in an attempt to make myself more palatable, I gave up on owning my voice a long time ago.

Here are some of the ways that manifested:

• Letting the who-gives-a-fuck of it all be my guiding life principle.
• Choosing not to advocate for my needs and passions.
• Devaluing my creative work and output.
• Emotionally isolating from everyone.
• Waiting for a checkmark.

If you think this sounds very unpleasant, you’d be absolutely correct. One day, after a particularly harrowing interpersonal fallout I looked in the mirror and thought to myself “… girl not this… whatever this is.”

How close can I get to perfection while not being deterred by the idea of imperfection?

I’ve tried in many ways to reconcile two sides of myself: a Virgo (see? anagram) who strives for decorum, and the Virago who isn’t interested in tempering herself in fear of what other people think.

The only way I know how to find that balance is to put myself out into the world and explore through storytelling and creating. The practice has always guided me whether it was film, writing, or drawing (I love my iPad). Every time I’ve written this blog post (roughly 34,101 times), something new emerges: a thought, an idea, a dream.

Here’s what you can expect as I figure it out:

1. Introspective yapping (essays) Apologies to the community and my mother.

2. Resources gathering and sharing (digital + analog) I’m a tech gay with an incredible knack for finding things.

3. My creative output (all mediums) There are many; film, illustrations, writing 4

4. Media reccos This is a consumer household.

5. Lists (believe the moon and the stars.) Because Mercury????

6. Divination [loosely held, strongly felt]

I’m not going to hold you, these will change. Expect me to change.

How can I show up so that you can show up along side me?

I’m prone to mistakes and so not too much. I hope you’ll be patient with me, yourself, and others you share space with. I don’t want to be another voice telling you who to be, what to be, or how to live your life.

My many voices, ideas, talents, and stories live here. This is a learning space, a growth mindset place, not a “well actually” kind of space.

The thought of exploring who I am in a public way makes my tummy hurt; but the consequences of choosing not to evolve feel far more dire. At the end (if there ever is one), I won’t just trust myself again - I’ll be someone worth trusting. The kind who shows up, speaks up, and stays.

Let’s yap.

Sam ✨